All Hail the King

Alright you dudes(The three readers), it's time I introduced you to the greatest guy who ever fucking lived. Genghis Khan.

This fat bastard is the one who brought Asian and Europe to their knees.

Genghis Khan is the greatest American and human being to ever walk the earth. He kicked ass, fucked ass, then owned some ass because Lincoln wasn't looking. He fucking had it all.

I have not been to school in a while, but if my PHD in molecular biology is worth the wood it's painted on, then I should know this.

Genghis started out in Mongolia, living in New York. He eventually united the Sharks and the Jets by killing that bitch that made them hate each other, then bought both gangs making them his starters' horde, comprised of only 32 thugs, 2 horses and a donkey affectionately referred to as Poncho.

Eventually, Genghis decided that he need about a million guys if he was going to do jack shit, but first he would have to prove himself in the weightroom. By deciphering ancient Mongolian poems written by his grandson, Kublai Khan, I found a general idea of his programming.

Monday: Squat 700 lbs 1x10, 800 1x7, 900 1x5, 1000 1x1.

This went on every single day for every powerlift, except the bench, since it wouldn't be invented until 23 years later when Eugen Sandow came along. Historical evidence points to Genghis favoring the bent press

Proving his strength to the Mongolian dudes, he earned their respect. Except for the respect of some fucking dickhead who took a bite out of him then started rolling like an alligator. Eventually Genghis fucking killed him and fucking guess what, the dude had the deed to Mongolia on him.

So then every one in the room called him Khan because Mongolians are weird. Then at that moment, everyone of them decided to head in every direction for conquest, rape, and wholesale manslaughter.

Genghis Khan was basically king of rape. He fucked every broad with sight and could reportedly impregnate women by masturbating while thinking about them. He fucked so many women that a Y gene mutation is present in a large region of Asia, with about 8% of the total population having it. That's 0.5% of the world, counting just the men with the Y gene mutation.

To have all these fuckers running around just cause you fucked like a madman is crazy. Also, I'm like 90% sure I'm a direct descendant to Genghis Khan so in addition to being a fucking badass, that's another reason to have him on this blog.

Screwing around

"A-are you Eric L-lilliebridge?" I said as I approached from the darkness

"I'm THE Lilliebridge." He replied, being polite enough to ignore my creepy demeanor and off putting smell."Now, who are you, my man?"

"I'm some douche on the internet." I said. He believed me. He stuck out his hand. My eyes widen. I wasn't prepared for this. My mind cannot comprehend this, this is definitely shaped like a hand, but it belongs to Eric Lilliebridge, and it's reaching toward mine. How is this possible? Didn't he notice my smell?

I stick my hand out, fingers twitching, and attempt to grip his hand. He wraps his fingers around mine, then brings his left hand in to finish the job in what can only be called the Kennedy hand cave.

Note the two hands tag teaming the other dude's

I stood there. Slowly, I wheezed out the words he was looking for. "Nice to meetcha!" I said. To my horror, small flecks of spit landed on him. He pauses, eyes closed. I feel a slight increase in the grip pressure. He releases my hand and I walk away as quickly as possible.

Upon closer examination, I realized he wiped a bunch of spray tan shit all over my hand. I assume this is the source of his great strength

In less impressive news, I blew fucking chunks at the meet, not PRing anything at all. In fact, on a better day I probably could have gotten these pretty easily.

But this wasn't a better day. I was still sick from Wednesday, and I weighed in at 187 while wearing jeans, sweatshirt and hiking boots. So my weight was more like around 178. I could have made the 181s pretty easily and I should have.

Got 474 on the squat, 220 on the bench, and 374 on the deadlift. Missed everything but my openers on the squat and bench, but then my handler changed the deadlift opener and I actually got my second attempt on it.

Since I'm too tall to be a decent 198, I'm going to pack on some pounds. Gonna go to at least the 220s. Maybe more. If I like being a big fatty maybe I'll just keep going, which will be cool to watch. Maybe take a selfie once a week and see how it goes.

Heading to Iowa tomorrow

Entered UPA nationals and going to Iowa tomorrow. Was feeling real good and pumped, but yesterday I woke up and started puking this yellow bile. Didn't eat anything for most of that day. Today I wake up and all I can think about is how fucking hungry I am.

To recover lost calories and shit I'm gonna be chugging a quart of my favorite brand of chocolate milk, eating some other shit, then heading out. Guaranteed to have taken 300 pounds off my total. I guess I'll never total more than 600...

But for realz, it's fairly likely I'll still do pretty good. Not best lifter good. More like best dude in my weight class, maybe setting a record or two because there aren't any other fucking records.

Will be competing on Sunday and will probably write some updates from the leisure of my hotel suite. These posts will be dictated but not read by me.

Reddit should be hurled into the sun.

For those of you who can afford to live under rocks, Reddit is the world's biggest content aggregation site at the moment. It touts itself as the "Front page of the internet" while providing a home for the good folks over in /r/ incest and /r/ picsofdeadkids. Yeah, this shit exists.

But that's for later. What I'm talking about right now is the stinky brown log that is /r/ fitness, floating in the toilet that is Reddit.

What amazes me is how they manage to turn something as normally indivualistic as "fitness" and turn it towards the Reddit hivemind, taking what is currently popular and telling everyone to do it. What currently is popular is Starting Strength with about 4 too many modifications that make no fucking sense.

I can answer these questions for ya. 1. It doesn't fucking matter. 2. No one cares about your weird cock. And 3. You can try giving a shit about lifting, that always helps.

And the questions they get there are just baffling. I wish gyms were more like an underground terrorist ring so these retards couldn't find them, and also I want to blow up the pentagon.

All except one are just asking for approval.

Stupid fucking questions like "Should I stop bashing on crossfit and try it out" are always there. The people there never actually do anything without asking for approval first. And the ones they choose to nitpick over are so fucking stupid. Yeah, sure, try Crossfit if you fucking want. It doesn't matter to me or anyone else on the internet except for people who like crossfit.

Look, Crossfit sucks but at least they introduce people to barbells. All /r/ fitness does is introduce people to the hivemind that god forbid someone do something without their approval. Fuck people like that because they're pussies who need other people to tell them what to do. It's nearly as bad as Crossfit in that respect.